I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
