Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
