I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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