Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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