i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
