I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
