we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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