you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
