My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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