Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
sarcasm needs its own font
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
