I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
