well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
