Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
