I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
