Yo dont text me then not text me
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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