Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
