The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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