Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
