you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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