I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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