How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
