I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
you will always have a special place in my vag
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
