You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
