don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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