NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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