Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
