Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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