he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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