She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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