part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
