i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
