Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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