you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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