Soap is not a condiment
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
