I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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