some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
