i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Help me help you realize you are a moron
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
