Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
