If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
