I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
