i may or may not be watching the land before time
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
