dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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