please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Life is so much better after having sex.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
