Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
