So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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