i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
