You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I pour the whiskey from now on
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
