I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
its liver damage thursday
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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