I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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