apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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