I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
you made out with another girl for some wings
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
