Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
sarcasm needs its own font
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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