I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I fill condoms, not promises.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
