Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I looked at my own cervix.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
