Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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