Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
